What Do Parties and Black Holes Have In Common?

I've been partying for the past couple of weeks. Sounds like fun doesn't it. Partying brings up images of good times, friends, conversations, good food, socializing and all round happy times, doesn't it? Well, not this kind of partying. This was more of a pity party. Pity parties and black holes share one thing in common. They take and take and never give back.

I've been sitting at home feeling kind of sorry for myself. I actually told my husband I felt a bit like Job (you know, Job from the Bible, who lost everything). He laughed. Okay, I had to admit, it wasn't quite that bad. Job lost all his children and all his worldly possessions and then his friends and his health. And his wife wasn't much help either. She told him to curse God and die. My life hasn't been that bad.

But one of those negative little voices just got to me over the past couple of weeks niggling at me and when I saw the neurologist last week, that was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

All the things that I have "lost", or "can't do" or had to "give up" because of my migaines has started to weigh on me and drag me down some.

1. I stopped working. (Okay, I didn't mind that one too much)
2. I can't really drive the car much, or ride in it very far.
3. Traveling is out. Makes the migraines worse.
4. Socializing is practically zero.
5. I contribute almost nothing at home.
6. I'm almost never at church except when it's my turn to run the slides for the service.
7. I keep missing my turn to run the slides for the service so I've been feeling like, well then, why bother? (Keep in mind, this is something I love to do)
8. I'm not feeling any better than I was a year ago.
9. The neurologist said I had to give up coffee even though it helps reduce the headaches.
10. I have to give up a whole bunch of other foods that give me a lot of pleasure and restrict my diet such that it makes it nearly impossible to eat out at a restaurant or even friend's homes. I even have to bring my own teabags so I have something to drink!

I know it sounds like I am complaining, but I decided I needed to write it down, so I could face it, stop feeling sorry for myself, and stop grieving over it and carry on. I realize that if I keep thinking about all the negatives about it, this party will just continue, and keep sucking me in like a big black hole and never let me go.

My daughter is such a blessing. She is always trying to encourage me and reminded me that it's really not as bad as all that. Even when I feel bad, I just have to find something small and thank God for it - even when I don't feel very thankful for it. Because when I do thank Him for it, whatever that small thing is, somehow He changes us, and we become thankful. (I think I told her that one time....)

If God can take you to it 

Then God will take you through it 

It's a Wonderful Life

I've been meaning to write another post for some time now, actually since Christmas, but I just haven't been feeling well at all. I have had an awful series of migraines since Christmas and just haven't felt up to much. This post would have been much more suited to being posted in December, but I decided to post it now anyway because it's still on my mind.

Shortly befor Christmas, we watched the movie It's A Wonderful Life, as we often do, because it's one of my favourite Christmas movies. Here's a clip from it.

 

If you're not familiar with the movie, it's about a businessman, George Bailey who is disillusioned with life and thinks that he is worth more dead than alive, that his family would be better off without him and considers suicide. God sends an angel, by the name of Clarence Oddbody to show him this isn't true.

In one of the scenes, Clarence allows George to see what the world would be like if George had never been born. It's a much different place.

This is the reason that I like this movie so much. It reminds me that each of us has our place in this world and that God has placed us here for a purpose. When I was younger, I struggled a lot with depression (and thoughts of suicide) though most people who knew me at the time would not have known it. It is amazing the amount of hurt a person can cover up behind a smile. I often thought that no one would notice if I wasn't around and felt absolutely alone in the midst of a crowd.

I didn't have a Clarence Oddbody to show me that my life made a difference to a lot of people. I did (and still do) have an amazing God who stood by me and helped me walk through each day, sometimes one hour at a time, reminding me that He was with me and that He had a purpose for me. If I killed myself, I would not be able to fulfill God's purpose, which would be the wrong thing to do - and I did not want to face Him at His throne with that to answer for. It would give Satan a victory and it would be a brutal thing to do to my family. Of all those things it was the sin it would be that stopped me, because I wanted to come before God's throne and hear Him say "Well done, good and faithful servant" and I knew He couldn't say that if I committed suicide. 

If you have feelings like this, you don't need to be alone. There is help. Here are a few places you can go to for help. Click on the link and it will take you to the website:

What is the Answer

Suicide Prevention Centre of BC

Canadian Mental Health Association

Remember what Clarence said to George:
"You've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw it away."